


knots all up in my chest

by habitualwords



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Minor Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Minor Jeon Wonwoo/Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Recreational Drug Use, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 09:29:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12702093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/habitualwords/pseuds/habitualwords
Summary: Seokmin's kind of hopeless when it comes to love, because that's the way he is. Until he's not.(Everyone deserves a second chance at love.)





	knots all up in my chest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [woozdum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/woozdum/gifts).



> I wasn't supposed to write for you, but had to step in due to Reasons. I quite enjoyed writing this, even if I feel like it's somewhat of a mess, and your request for flangst threw me off because. Well. I don't really do flangst, so here's my attempt at it. I hope you enjoy it, even if Seok comes off as a bit of an asshole. This fic was heavily inspired by Lorde's "Melodrama", especially "Supercut", JJ Project's "Verse 2", offnoff's "cigarette" and joji's "will he". I didn't get to beta it, but will probably come back and clean it up as soon as I'm done with school T__T. I hope you enjoy it!

The evening preceding Lee Seokmin's nineteenth birthday, all things considered, is predictably unassuming. It's like any February night, on the side of too cold and Seokmin's shivering despite the fact that he has a personal space heater clinging to his back.

"Still cold?" Mingyu mumbles, kissing the exposed skin of his shoulder.

Seokmin shivers pleasantly, perhaps the fact that it's the tenth time he's celebrating his birthday with Mingyu by his side is some significance in itself.

"Yeah but it's good. I have you," he wants to turn around and give Mingyu a kiss, he really does but Mingyu's got himself tucked up against Seokmin in a way that means kissing him would hurt Seokmin's neck or result in an accident.

And given that both Kim Mingyu and Lee Seokmin  _ met _ because of an accident, the latter is  likelier. You see, the first time they met, Mingyu, at age nine, had been the only one in their school who could successfully swing their way across the monkey bars. Seokmin, on the other, while athletically inclined, still suffered from the inability to look where he goes. Even now, Mingyu has to yank him back from walking into traffic. In one of his bouts of Lee Seokmin Ignores His Surroundings, Seokmin had walked under the monkey bars while Mingyu was attempting to swing across them. There was a fall, a scar and a friendship that was formed, all in that order.

Seokmin absentmindedly strokes the raised skin on his chin, humming when Mingyu seems to  huddle in infinitely closer.

"Are you excited?" Mingyu whispers.

His laptop is balanced precariously on the edge of the bed, the episode of Teen Wolf that they were watching forgotten. Seokmin's definitely excited, but he's nervous too, more afraid than anything else if he's being honest.

"What if it's not you?" He tugs at Mingyu's arms to loosen them, turning around to face him better.

Mingyu's face is warm and open in the glow of his night lamp and he can't resist, leaning in for a quick kiss. Mingyu grins against his lips, pulling Seokmin closer and rolling back so that he's half sprawled across Mingyu's chest, leaning down for more short pecks. Mingyu finds his hand and threads their fingers together, squeezing gently.

"You know I'm your soulmate, Seokmin."

Here's the thing about Mingyu: Seokmin's always believed him when he says something. It's hard not to when Mingyu's looking at him like all the wonders of the world lie right in front of him, when he uses his earnest tone, when all his teeth are bared in an eager grin. Behind Mingyu, the digital clock reads 11:58 p.m.

"Hey," there's a sense of urgency in the way Mingyu is kissing him. "I'm with you, whatever happens."

They wait with bated breath when the clock glows 12:00 a.m., holding Seokmin's hand under the bedside lamp. According to Mingyu, who was there when his sister got his mark, her then best friend's name had appeared in their handwriting. Seokmin's overtly familiar with the slant of Mingyu's handwriting, has seen it since they were nine, knows what he's expecting. They wait for five minutes and Seokmin's shoulder slumps when there's no soulmate mark on his wrist.

Mingyu kisses the skin of his exposed shoulder, reaching over to flip the light off.

"It doesn't mean anything that you haven't gotten it yet, okay?"

Seokmin nods and tries to bury the disappointment he feels. It’s the third year they’ve been together and still, nothing. If third time's’ the charm, then this is definitely some kind of curse. And for someone who usually falls asleep pretty fast in the arms of his boyfriend, for the first time in a long time, he struggles to fall asleep.

When he finally wakes up, it’s to a cold bed; Mingyu has breakfast service for this semester and probably left obscenely early for his classes. He grins when he sees a sticky note on their headboard.

_ happy birthday love. there’s breakfast in the microwave. i’ll see you after your show tonight. -kmg, ur fave puppy _

Breakfast turns out to be a stack of pancakes, made just how Seokmin likes them, thick and fluffy with fruit in the center. It also ends up being symbolic of the good day he has; his friends stopping him in the hallways and confirming their attendance for his birthday celebration the coming weekend, Mingyu dropping by before his radio show slot with dinner in his hands. He feels full of love, and while he usually dreads the late hour of his radio show, he finds himself excited for tonight’s episode.

*

"Hello and welcome to,"

 

"Seokmin and Seungkwan's Warm Glass of Milk." They chorus together.

 

Seungkwan shoots him a satisfied smile as he shuffles his papers around, one that has Seokmin responding in kind.

 

"Tonight," Seungkwan begins. "We'll be talking about soulmate marks, seeing as Valentine's Day was a few days ago. We also hope that you enjoy tonight's playlist, it was put together to make you feel warm on a cold night."

 

Seokmin laughs into the microphone, one he's practiced just for radio. "Kicking the night off, we have HONNE, Warm on a Cold Night."

 

In the booth, the sound mixer shoots them a thumbs up before the music fills the room. As Seokmin flips through the script for the night, he feels his chest tighten up in a knot when he spots a heading that says my boyfriend isn't my soulmate. Before he can read the rest of what's written, Seungkwan's prodding him. He has a cupcake in his hands, a small candle stuck into it.

 

"Happy birthday, hyung," he whispers.

 

Seokmin grins and blows the candle out, pulling Seungkwan in for a hug. Seokmin and Seungkwan have been hosting this section long enough that they're familiar with the dynamics of it, and how it operates, that it's mostly a smooth sailing night. Until they get to the woes that were sent in by the listeners, and he feels his veins freeze over. Unfortunately, he's the one assigned to read it.

 

"This was sent in by Twitter user infinity8. My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. In that time, we've celebrated 8 birthdays, but still haven't gotten our soulmate marks. Two weeks ago, we celebrated his 27th birthday. He got his soulmate mark, but it wasn't my name on his wrist. We're not sure how to proceed from here, and things haven't been the best. Any advice?"

 

Seokmin's frozen, barely saying anything until Seungkwan clears his throat pointedly.

 

"Well infinity, it sounds like your boyfriend and you are going through a tough time. Maybe you want to talk to each other, and see what you want from the relationship now that this has happened. I understand it's not so easy to leave someone you've been with for four years, but as they say, the fates have a plan." Seokmin says. He's just reading the words off the paper, voice devoid of emotion.

 

"Then again, soulmate marks aren't binding contracts. They don't have to manifest in romantic relationships. We've also talked about a fair share of platonic soulmates tonight. Perhaps your boyfriend's soulmate is of the platonic kind." Seungkwan continues.

 

"Yeah. Good luck with your relationship, infinity." Seokmin injects some degree of cheer into his voice before slumping onto the table.

 

"Our last song for the night, this is JJ Project with Icarus. So far, this has been Seungkwan,"

 

"And Seokmin's."

 

"Warm Glass of Milk. Goodnight!" Seungkwan signs off.

 

Immediately, Seungkwan turns to Seokmin, frowning. "Are you alright hyung? You don't usually blank out, no matter how tired you are."

 

"I'm fine, Seungkwan-ah." Seokmin says, raising his head and smiling weakly. "It's just been. A rough day."

 

Seungkwan sighs before enveloping Seokmin in a hug.

 

"I'm worried about you, hyung," Seungkwan mumbles into his shoulder. Seokmin hums in response. "Sometimes you're so far in your own head, I don't know how to get you out."

 

Seokmin laughs, even if it's a weak imitation of what he sounds like when it comes from a place of joy.

 

"I'll be fine, Kwannie."

 

Seungkwan knows he's probably lying, but Seokmin didn't take one unit of theatre for nothing. He starts putting on a show of how exhausted he is, yawning and dragging his feet, tuning in and out of their conversation as they head out of the recording booth. At the place where they usually part, Seungkwan hesitates, biting his lip.

 

"Rest well, hyung." He finally says.

 

Seokmin nods, avoiding Seungkwan's gaze. It's not that Seungkwan is judgemental, or anything like that, he's just too good at reading people. Seokmin simply doesn't want to be read right now, despite the guilt churning in him as he walks back to their shared apartment.

 

Mingyu's asleep on the sofa when Seokmin finally gets home, a movie playing on his laptop, abandoned at the edge of the coffee table. Seokmin smiles fondly at the sight, leaving his bag by the couch and turning Mingyu's laptop off, nudging him gently to wake him up.

 

He startles awake, almost rolling off the couch and Seokmin giggles. He has knots all up in his chest, panic cloying the back of his throat but seeing Mingyu like this, sleep dazed and smiling dopily, he can shove it all down. Ignore it, for the few stolen moments of bliss. He ends up muscling Mingyu to the room, where they strip in silence before falling into the bed together. Seokmin stiffens when Mingyu slots himself against Seokmin’s front, chest to back, pulling Seokmin’s arm around his waist.

 

“I love you, I hope today was good,” Mingyu mumbles sleepily.

 

Seokmin sighs, kissing Mingyu’s shoulder. 

 

He can’t remember when it became their  _ thing _ , kissing shoulders. It just did, somewhere between 10 years of friendship and 3 years of dating. Seokmin always spent too much time resting his head on Mingyu’s shoulder, and so did Mingyu. They were perfectly sized for one another, and back then, it was less controversial for Seokmin to turn his head and kiss Mingyu’s shoulder. If he thinks hard enough, he can remember the scratchy wool of Mingyu’s tux from senior prom against his lips, the warm glow of fairy lights, the taste of punch.

 

*

  
Seokmin will argue that the process of distancing himself from Mingyu wasn’t one he started on purpose, and that it was gradual. Perhaps, in some ways, it was. Mingyu had early morning classes, and Seokmin was on air until late almost every night, falling into the same bed and shuffling around restlessly every night. Those were gradual. 

 

Here’s how plants grow: plant a seed of doubt, and water it with anxiety. Let them grow, untamed, in your mind. Slowly pull away from your boyfriend. Here is how they blossom: dwell on the past.

 

*

 

At age 15, Lee Seokmin meets Jeon Wonwoo. Wonwoo is a new transfer at their school and he's a year older. The first thing that strikes him about Wonwoo is how well he gets along with Soonyoung, his best friend. Seokmin approaches them hesitantly because he's never seen that expression on Soonyoung's face before.

Soonyoung's face is like an open book, but the serene expression of fondness that radiates from Soonyoung is an expression Seokmin's never seen before. He’s not sure how he feels about Soonyoung, but he does know he’s always felt a need to impress Soonyoung. 

"Hey hyung," Seokmin yells, waving his arm. Soonyoung waves back and Wonwoo turns around to smile at Seokmin.

Wonwoo is, in many ways, Seokmin's first love. Wonwoo pays attention to him when he talks about the drama club and he likes the way the extra attention makes him feel because Soonyoung and Mingyu usually just tickle him or talk over him until he gives up.

Seokmin confesses the day before Wonwoo's seventeenth birthday, surprise and the slightest bit hurt when Wonwoo rejects his confession. As fate would cruelly have it, the next day, Wonwoo gets his soulmate mark.  _ Kwon Soonyoung _ . That same day, for the first time since Soonyoung turned 14, Seokmin sees him without the thick bracelet he wears on his right wrist. Wonwoo and Soonyoung become the fifth couple in their high school to be actual soulmates and suddenly the expression Soonyoung wore around Wonwoo all the time makes sense to Seokmin.

 

At age 16, in an effort to fix a broken heart, Mingyu and him are watching Legally Blonde, and talking about boys. Seokmin realizes three things on that night: 1)  _ Soonyoung _ was his first love, he just never realized it. 2) Whoever invented chick flicks knew how much power they’d have on the world. 3) Between the way Mingyu keeps turning to check on Seokmin and squeezing Seokmin’s calves on his lap, Seokmin can feel the beginning of something claw it’s way to the forefront of his mind. 

 

Almost a year later, Mingyu asks Seokmin to be his date at senior prom. And the rest, is history. 

 

*

 

Seokmin’s surprised to see Mingyu awake when he enters the apartment, sitting at the table and stirring his drink absentmindedly. He can’t remember the last time Mingyu was awake after his show, Seokmin coming back later and later everyday. 

 

“You’re home,” Mingyu’s smile is warm, even though Seokmin can tell he’s exhausted.

 

It’s there in the slump of his shoulder, the dark smudges under his eyes. Seokmin feels  _ guilty _ , he’s been so trapped in his head that he didn’t realize how affected Mingyu was, which makes him feel  _ guiltier _ . Another reminder that he’s a less than perfect boyfriend.

 

“Would you like a hot chocolate?” Mingyu asks, when Seokmin doesn’t say anything.

 

“I’m really tired.” He mumbles instead. 

 

Mingyu takes a sip of his drink and sighs heavily, massaging his temples. If Seokmin was worried before, now his mind is in overdrive.

 

“We need to talk.” Mingyu says, his voice leaving no room for argument. There’s a four word horror story, if he’s ever heard on. 

 

He sits down across Mingyu, and it feels all kinds of wrong, like all their furniture was moved an inch to the left, nagging at Seokmin incessantly. He chuckles nervously instead, toying with the charm attached to his phone, barely meeting Mingyu’s gaze. Seokmin’s always been the type to internalize his worries, to hold it in until it’s just too much and like this, he can feel how the space he’s created is the third person at the table.

 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Mingyu says. Never been one for beating around the bush.

 

Seokmin swallows. “Yes.” he forces out.

 

“Why?” Mingyu sounds betrayed,  _ confused _ almost. 

 

Seokmin bites his lip.

 

“I heard about this person, who was dating someone. And their partner got their soulmate mark, but it wasn’t  _ them _ . And I’ve just been thinking about it ever since.”

 

“Oh,” Mingyu’s tone goes flat. “This is about the infinity thing on your birthday, isn’t it?”

 

Seokmin tries to hide his surprise, but he doesn’t do a good job of it because Mingyu takes one look at his face and smiles ruefully. 

 

“I always listen to your show when I can Seok. And Seungkwan texted me, told me that you were acting weird.”

"Does a soulmate mark really mean that much to you?" Mingyu asks.

Seokmin swallows, feeling as if he has his heart in his throat. "It does. I just don't want to take you away from your actual soulmate, you know."

"Seokmin," Mingyu begins, exasperated.

"No." He cuts across firmly. "I love you, I really do but if we were made for each other the way you think we are, I would have gotten that soulmate mark. There's someone out there for you Gyu, and that person isn't me."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

Seokmin smiles and he can feel how the expression is at odds with his face, probably making him look stretched around the edges. "I picked it up from someone I love."

“Is there anything I can do to make you stay?” Mingyu’s voice cracks, and Seokmin doesn’t  _ want _ to look up. 

 

The thing about knowing Mingyu as long as Seokmin has is that he can see every expression, every gesture, all of it in his head. He can more or less tell the spectrum of emotions playing across Mingyu’s face right now, the shift from disappointment to desperation. And he knows if he looks up, he’ll break. Seokmin’s a lot of things, but he’s rarely been brave when it comes to love. 

 

“I don’t think so,” Seokmin whispers. 

 

“Alright,” Mingyu’s voice sounds wet. “I’m going out for a walk.”

 

Seokmin nods stiffly, tracing the wood grain of the table. He doesn’t look up until he hears the door close, tilting his head back and blinking away the tears building up. The guilt is already starting to set in, and he knows staying in a relationship with that guilt ebbing at you is somehow  _ worse _ . 

 

He moves on autopilot, stiffly, as he empties his clothes and toiletries into his duffel bags. Seokmin stops at the door, where on a bunch of pictures of Mingyu, him and their group of friends are framed on a side table. They look so  _ happy _ ; Seokmin can barely take his eyes off Mingyu in most of the pictures, Mingyu laughing unabashedly at the camera. It’s a visual chronicle of three years, ruined by an incessant nagging at Seokmin, a reminder he’ll never be enough.

 

*

 

Jeonghan and Joshua are surprised when Seokmin shows up at their door with his bags in tow.

“Hey,” he smiles through the tears threatening to spill. “You still have that empty room?”

“You okay, Seoku?” Jeonghan asks, leading him down the hall to the empty room.

“Not really, hyung, but I will be.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Joshua asks, hovering in the doorway.

Seokmin shakes his head, and Joshua nods. They know that it’s never wise to press him when he doesn’t feel good, that it’s more likely to result in some sort of outward explosion. For the first few days, Seokmin skips his classes and stays in bed, texting Seungkwan for notes every now and then. Mingyu’s texted him several times too, but Seokmin’s ignored most of them. The most recent one, right at the top of his notifications, hurts.

 

_ I’ll respect your decision. I still love you. _

 

Seokmin wants to laugh and cry, all at once, maybe that way he can get the knots out of his chest. Of course Mingyu is still as sweet as ever, even after Seokmin pulled one of the most asshole moves known to mankind. It hurts even more when a month after the breakup,  _ infinity _ sends in another message, talking about how they’re still with their boyfriend. It was the first time in a month that Seokmin nearly found his resolve breaking.

"You know what you should do?" Soonyoung asks, cuddled against Seokmin's back.

Soonyoung isn't warm the same way that Mingyu usually is, and Seokmin kind of hates himself for comparing his interactions to Mingyu. It _ really _ doesn't help with the process of getting over him, and all he feels is a Mingyu-shaped void.

"You should go partying. Jun's throwing a house party tonight, I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I brought a few extras." Seokmin turns around, frowning at Soonyoung.

"I don't know hyung, I don't think partying when I'm like this is a good idea," he bites his lip.

"Bullshit! Partying is a great idea! Isn't it, Joshua?"

Joshua looks up from where he's poring over his textbook. "Please don't drag me into this," he pleads.

Seokmin laughs at the desperation in Joshua's voice, Soonyoung squealing in delight and poking his stubby fingers at Seokmin's ribs, tickling him. He twists away, giggling the whole time, happy to see how overjoyed Soonyoung looks.

"I've missed hearing you laugh, Seoku. C'mon, just one night, we can leave if the party sucks."

"Okay," he relents. "Only because I love you." He can't help but think how a long time ago, the admission that he loves Soonyoung would have bordered a little bit too much on actual love, instead of the plain affection he feels now.

That's Seokmin's reality though, he falls in love like it's something that's going out of fashion, like he's trying to show the world just how much emotion he can hole up in his frame. Hours later, Soonyoung wrestles Seokmin into an outfit he didn't even know he owned. His jeans are ripped at the thighs and knees, threads hanging loose to the point Seokmin's not sure if they're just going to fall apart by the end of the night. The shirt, with a silky front and a mesh back, is  _ definitely _ not something that Seokmin owns.

When he asks Soonyoung about it, all he gets is a cryptic grin.

"You want people to take you home, right?"

Seokmin shrugs. He'll take whatever he can get, although, he supposes, everyone around him at this point knows that he's broken up with Mingyu. And maybe, drunken hookups are the way to go.

(He's always spent too much time cooped up at home, dwelling on his past loves.)

Junhui greets them at the door, dressed in denim shorts and a mesh crop top. Seokmin finds himself glancing at Junhui appreciatively, flushing in embarrassment when Junhui catches him looking, winking at him. Soonyoung prods him in the back and Joshua rolls his eyes fondly.

"Please do not hook up with Junhui," Joshua says.

"Who is hooking up with Junhui?" Seungcheol asks, throwing an arm casually around Joshua's shoulder.

Seokmin doesn't miss how Soonyoung raises a brow at the action, or the way Joshua tries to hide a self-satisfied smile. Seungcheol and Joshua have been tiptoeing around each other for as long as Seokmin's known Joshua. In Joshua's defence, Seokmin really believes that the fault lies in Seungcheol, who's always been a little oblivious to the way people look at him, with stars in their eyes. It also doesn't help that the only person Seungcheol ever makes exceptions for is Joshua, which does a lot to make them believe Seungcheol's a good match for Joshua, if he  _ actually  _ realized what he had in his hands.

"I hope no one is hooking up with Junhui," Minghao shows up from nowhere, juggling several beer cans in his hands. "His ego is already inflated as it is. Take one." he says.

Seokmin plucks two out of his hands, handing one to Soonyoung. Soonyoung cracks his open, going in for a cheer with Seokmin and Seungcheol, before downing the entire can. Joshua's nose crinkles in disgust and Seokmin laughs. It's good to be surrounded with friends, outside of his apartment. It's good to feel like he has a life that extends beyond Mingyu, even if it seemed like Mingyu was made to be part of his life forever.

"I thought you'd be with Mingyu," Seokmin says, edging closer to Minghao.

Minghao shrugs, one corner of his mouth lifted in a grin. "I'm your friend too, buddy. I can be both your friends."

Seokmin blinks rapidly, warmth quickly unfurling from the center of his chest. He could kiss Minghao, really.

"Thank you," he whispers. Minghao's smile only gets wider as he nods, nudging Seokmin and Soonyoung towards the writhing mass of bodies on the dance floor.

From an objective standpoint, house parties  _ suck _ . The music is always from someone's shitty, generic EDM playlist and because they're all college students, the alcohol is always the cheap kind that goes down to rough and wrecks hell on Seokmin's throat. If you're lucky, you'll bump into no more than five couples trying to eat each other's face on the dance floor. If you're  _ unlucky _ , well, there's really no saying.

Subjectively, however, Seokmin's having a great time. Soonyoung and Minghao had pushed their way into getting them to have several rounds of shots and Seokmin's head is buzzing from a combination of cheap tequila and blueberry vodka. He's sandwiched between Soonyoung and Minghao, who are pretty excellent dancers in their own right but on a mission to keep Seokmin entertained and happy, are plastered against, pulling the most ridiculous expressions while they dance. He laughs, the high building up as the pulsing lights push him closer to the line between wasted and gone.

Everything is alright until he catches sight of a familiar head, towering over the rest, on the other end of the dance floor. Seokmin tries hard to swallow around the block in his throat, but it feels like a Pavlovian reaction at this point. He sees Mingyu and immediately his body tries to choke him with a potent mixture of guilt, regret and more longing than he knows how to deal with. Mingyu's laughing at something the boy in front of him has said, Seokmin's pretty sure that Jungkook and Yugyeom are with him. Mingyu never really had a problem with making himself known amongst the cool kids.

Minghao notices that he's stilled and follows the direction of his gaze, sighing when he sees Mingyu. His action makes Soonyoung turn around, who frowns.

"I thought you said he wasn't coming?" Soonyoung asks Minghao. Seokmin is still sandwiched between them.

"He must've changed his mind," Minghao yells back. He then turns to sit with Seokmin. "Go find Joshua, I'll find you in a while."

Seokmin nods, numb. Somewhere between leaving the dance floor and finding Joshua, someone's stuff a beer bottle into Seokmin's empty hand. When he finally finds Joshua, the elder is sitting at the patio out back, a tightly rolled joint in his hand. On the grass are several people, passing a bong around in a game of taxi. Seungcheol is among the crowd, clearly blazed and physically affectionate with the person next to him. Seokmin winces, no wonder Joshua's smoking.

"Don't hog," he says simply, settling down next to Joshua.

Joshua's smile is on the side of forced, and for someone who is smoking a joint, too stiff. Seokmin sighs and takes a hit, French inhaling. Joshua chuckles.

"You're going to have to teach me that one day."

Seokmin frowns, trying to recall where he learnt how to French inhale. He grimaces when he remembers, taking a swig from his beer bottle. The crossfade effect might wreck his voice and head for the next couple of days but as Soonyoung always says, you only live once.

"Mingyu taught me how to do that," Seokmin confesses. Joshua nods.

It sucks how it's taken breaking up with Mingyu for Seokmin to realize just how much their lives are inexplicably tangled together. They pass the blunt back and forth between each other, watching the game on the grass. It's less organized now and Seungcheol's laughter is loud and boisterous. The guy next to him, Seokmin vaguely remembers him as Yugyeom’s friend Jihyo, keeps giving Seungcheol appreciative looks, although Seokmin doubts he even registers them, stoned as he is. Minghao said he'd come find Seokmin, and he doesn't know how long ago that was. He takes a sip from his forgotten beer bottle, sticking his tongue out in disgust when the drink is barely carbonated and piss warm, pressed up close against Joshua.

"How do you sit there and watch him?"

Joshua turns to smile at him and it's both soft and sad, just the slightest bit resigned too. He fingers the thick band of his wrist cuff. One of the reasons that made watching Seungcheol and Joshua dodge around each other painful was the fact that within half a year of meeting Seungcheol, Joshua had gotten the elder's name on his wrist. Seungcheol, however, was one of those people who didn't possess the soulmate gene, seeing as there wasn't anyone in his family who was  _ actually _ bound by soulmate marks. While it didn't make Seungcheol disrespectful to those who  _ did _ have soulmate marks, he was sceptical towards the idea of them, which just made things harder for Joshua.

"Some people, they chase the mark. It's less about the person, and more about the fact that they're wearing the name on the wrist. Sometimes people forget that it's not just about the mark, it's about how people feel too."

Seokmin blinks a few times, feeling like he's been stabbed. Joshua's words hit a little bit too close to his ego.

"As long as he's happy, I'm happy too," Joshua shrugs.

Behind them, the door bursts open, Minghao sticking his head out.

"Are you two faded?" He asks, incredulous.

"Bet," Joshua says softly.

Minghao rolls his eyes and opens the door wider, glancing at the empty beer bottle next to Seokmin. At one point, he was high enough that the flavour probably stopped mattering to him. He raises a shoulder and Minghao looks even more exasperated if possible.

"You're crossfaded," Minghao accuses.

Seokmin smiles dopily. He's not entirely sure if he's actually crossfaded but the way all his senses are kicking into overdrive seems to tell him that he's more faded than he thought he was. He takes a step forward and immediately stumbles, falling face first. Joshua bursts into laughter, high and clear as crystal bells and that triggers Seokmin into a fit of laughter as well. Minghao's muttering under his breath in Mandarin as he picks Seokmin up, easily supporting his weight.

"How is it that you're a skinny bitch but you can throw me around like a ragdoll?" Seokmin asks.

Trailing behind them, Joshua repeats the word ragdoll to himself.

"I lift, bitch."

Seokmin nods, satisfied with the answer. Time and space seem to bend around them and before he knows it, he's back at home, a concerned Minghao swimming at the edges of his vision. He feels someone take his shirt and jeans off, leaving him in his boxers and Seokmin lets them.

"I love you Minghao," Seokmin whispers.

All he gets before he drifts off into the comforting blackness is a chuckle.

When he wakes up the next morning, his head feels less like it's home to a functional brain and more like it's a personalized rollercoaster, clattering around in his skull. As he stumbles towards the kitchen, he's happy to find that he isn't the only one who feels that way, Joshua looking as if he was roadkill, his usually put together appearance in shambles. In fact, the only one who looks like a functional human being is Jeonghan, smirking into the rim of his coffee mug.

"That was fun," Seokmin says simply.

And the truth is, right until the point that he found Mingyu in the crowd, it  _ was _ fun, even if house parties suck from an objective standpoint.

*

In the weeks that follow the party, Seokmin mopes less. The thing about college, that's just as much magical as it is cursed, is the ability for your classes to go from 0 to 100 before you realize it and suddenly, school is an all too good reason to put your life on hold. It also helps that the choir nationals are coming up, more practices scheduled close together and far too many all nighters spent catching up with members of the team in the library. All through it, Seokmin continues his duties as a radio DJ on the university channel, curating playlists with Seungkwan by his side.

Life moves on, as it always does, dragging you along with it. There are times where Seokmin can feel the void of Mingyu's presence all too acutely but he doesn't have  _ time _ to dwell on it, throwing himself into his responsibilities instead. Soonyoung is as loud and as demanding as ever, Jeonghan always sighs before giving in to Seokmin's demands and Joshua supports him through it all. It works.

Until it doesn't.

"Did you hear that Mingyu got his soulmate mark?" Seungcheol yells, bursting into their living room. Seokmin isn't surprised that Seungcheol has access to their apartment at this point, in fact, he'd be more surprised if Seungcheol  _ didn't _ . He does, however, freeze when he comprehends what was just said and both Jeonghan and Joshua turn around to glare Seungcheol. Seungcheol, at the very least, looks sheepish.

"Sorry," Seungcheol says, shuffling on his feet.

"You're such an idiot, Cheol," Jeonghan proclaims, ignoring Joshua's sharp look.

Seungcheol looks like a kicked puppy, pouting and shuffling around guiltily. Seokmin laughs but it sounds fake even to his own ear. It's even harder to ignore the look of pity that Jeonghan gives him and he looks down, toying with the hem of his hoodie in hopes that it will stop him from bursting into tears, or something.

Two months after he broke up with Mingyu, all his fears are manifesting. On the bright side, at least he doesn’t have to see a name that  _ isn’t _ his on Mingyu’s wrist.

“I’m going to go take a nap,” he mumbles.

It’s 2 in the afternoon, but a nap sounds really fucking perfect, right about now. So he leaves, despite Jeonghan's protests, Seungcheol's apologies and Joshua's gentle grip around his wrist. His bed is comfortable and on the side of too cold, just another subtle reminder of the kind of warmth he  _ used _ to have in his life. Seokmin burrows under the sheets and closes his eye, turning his music up on his phone, counting sheep until the sheep turn into darkness.

"Hey," He's gently shaken awake by Jeonghan, who looks concerned.

"What's up hyung?" His voice rumbles with disuse and he swallows a few times.

"Mingyu's at the door. He insists on talking to you. I tried to chase him away, but it's not really working. You know how stubborn he can get at times."

Seokmin  _ does _ know.

Instead, he stumbles to the front door. He leans his full weight against it, torn between opening it and just talking to Mingyu through the door. He goes for the latter.

"What do you want?" He asks.

"Can I talk to you?" Mingyu says. It's the first time in a month since he's heard Mingyu's voice and this is how it is, muffled and still achingly familiar.

"I know you have your soulmate mark, Mingyu. It's okay. You deserve to be happy." Seokmin calls out instead.

Joshua steps out of his room, eyebrows raised. Seokmin shakes his head at him and Joshua sighs, going back into his room.

"Seokmin, I really need to talk to you," Mingyu sounds broken, and that's not how Seokmin wants to remember him, call him selfish if you want to.

"It's okay. It really is. I want you to be happy with your new soulmate, whoever that is. You have my blessing. Please. I just don't want to see you."

There's a thud on the door and Seokmin jumps. Everything in his body is telling him to open that door but Seokmin knows himself, knows how he'll only be able to hold his anger for a few minutes before he's apologizing to Mingyu. He's made  _ some _ progress; opening that door will get in the way of that progress.

Time moves sluggishly whenever you're on the verge of making a potentially life changing decision. It feels like it's stretching out in front of him, reminding him that on the other side of the door is Kim Mingyu and all he needs to do is open the fucking door. It could have been minutes, or hours. He's not really sure how long he stays frozen before the door.

"I'm going now." It sounds final.

When Joshua comes out of the room again, he finds Seokmin leaning against the door, sniffling into the sleeves of his sweater.

"Oh, Seokmin," he says, pulling Seokmin in closer.

Seokmin lets Joshua do it, and it's like the action of being held by someone is a sledgehammer to the wall he's been trying to build around his emotions. It breaks, and he cries onto Joshua's shirt, huge wracking sobs that feel like they've been ripped deep out of the  unknown recesses of Seokmin's heart. At some point, Jeonghan joins them too, carding his fingers delicately through Seokmin's hair.

And not for the first time, Seokmin finds himself wondering why Jeonghan isn't his soulmate instead.

"You know what we need?" Jeonghan says when Seokmin's quieted down to sniffles, nose red and eyes swollen.

Seokmin squints at Jeonghan.

"Mean Girls and a tub of ice cream," Jeonghan proclaims.

"That sounds nice." Seokmin manages.

"Yeah? Jeonghan, get the TV set up. We're spoiling our favourite baby."

Seokmin laughs at that; Joshua and Jeonghan haven't called him their baby in a long time, even if everyone agrees that they're fond of spoiling Seokmin rotten. Later, snuggled on the couch between Jeonghan and Joshua, he thanks them. Joshua grins and Jeonghan sighs, kissing the top of his head.

Jeonghan and Joshua try to make things better. While coming home to them isn’t the same as coming home to Mingyu, Seokmin’s still thankful. There are a lot of late night ramen runs, as well as numerous movie marathons and those are fun. It's fun to huddle with Jeonghan and Joshua, who both make him crack up with laughter.

 

*

April turns to May which is rushes past in the feverish dedication one only brings out in the weeks leading up to finals and then June is upon Seokmin, promising summer and time to mend a broken heart.

(Is it a broken heart if it was a choice you made?)

Seokmin's been through 19 summers but this is the first time it's felt so sluggish, the sunlit hours stretching out into an infinite abyss. Time passes in the feverish haze of lying in his own sweat and ignoring most, if not all requests to hang out. The only productive thing he's done so far is take his dog, Wooju, out for walks. Soonyoung and Wonwoo visit him from time to time, and it only reminds Seokmin of how lonely he is.

 

There’s also a perpetual reminder that Mingyu’s house is 3 rows away, and Seokmin sees Mingyu’s car around from time to time, ducking into alleyways to stay out of sight. 

 

“You have 3 years of school left, Seokmin, are you really going to keep avoiding him?” Wonwoo asks, when he visits one evening, Minghao in tow. Soonyoung was stuck at the studio. 

 

Seokmin laughs nervously, an action that makes both Wonwoo and Minghao narrow their eyes at him. They’ve always been too perceptive, too good at picking up when he falters. Seokmin toys with the hem of his comforter, leg jiggling. 

 

“What did you do?” Minghao asks, voice flat.

 

“I went to visit Hansol, cause I was doing nothing and home and feeling useless, and he smoked me up and I spilled everything and then he told me to just transfer to his school instead and I kinda filled in the paperwork.” Seokmin babbles, finally looking up at Minghao and Wonwoo.

 

They both have twin expressions of incredulity, Minghao massaging his temples.

 

“I’m gonna have a headache,” Minghao mumbles.

 

Seokmin shrugs half-heartedly, biting his lip, moving over to make space for Wonwoo on the bed. 

 

“Are you sure this is something you want to do?” Wonwoo asks.

 

He recognizes the expression on Wonwoo’s face, one that means he’s already thinking hard about. 

 

“No. Yes. I don’t know, really. I think it’ll be good for me.”

 

“You’re not making this easy for you. Or Mingyu, for that matter.” Wonwoo says, in a tone he usually reserves to let Soonyoung down gently.

 

It’s come to the point where Seokmin associates that tone with a particularly foolish act, and he feels mildly chastised that Wonwoo is using it on  _ him _ . Minghao, on the other hand, remains impassive.

 

“I think it’s what I need,” Seokmin says, firmly. “A fresh start. To grow.”

 

Minghao’s shoulders slump. “If you think it’s good for you.”

 

He smiles at the two of them, wide and faltering at the edges. “Thank you.”

 

Wonwoo sighs and ruffles his hair, Minghao finally smiling.

 

Everything becomes all too real when Seokmin’s accepted by the other college in their city as a sophomore transfer. He accepts it, and the space helps him heal. The space also gives him room to grow.

*

 

It's a day for new beginnings. Quite literally, seeing as it’s the first of January. Seokmin’s loading his beat up sedan with boxes of his belongings, as well as stuff for his new apartment. He’s finally moving out of his parents’ house and sure, it feels like he’s playing catch up with the adults but it’s not an inherently bad thing. It’s just millennial culture; in fact, he’s not sure if he would have been able to move out if he wasn’t hustling on the side. He was also bolstered with his mother’s advice, that being an adult was only as much as you make it to be.

The drive to his apartment complex is fairly smooth and when he gets there, Seungcheol and Joshua are already waiting in the car park, both of them waving when they spot his car pulling in.

“Our Seokminnie is all grown up,” Seungcheol says, pretending to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye.

Behind him, Joshua watches the proceedings with poorly concealed fondness, eyes sparkling and the corners of his mouth lifted in a smile. Seokmin's never told Joshua this, but it's really nice to see how Seungcheol and him have settled down, co-parenting a dog and _ married _ , especially when they used to duck around each other so much in college. It's even sweeter to see Seungcheol, who still hasn't gotten his soulmate mark at 32, with a very permanent tattoo of Joshua's name. It’s unorthodox, but that’s Seungcheol.

"You're here to help hyung," Seokmin wheedles.

Seungcheol huffs and lifts two of the boxes easily. Seokmin pretends he didn't catch Joshua staring at Seungcheol's ass appreciatively. He doesn't really blame Joshua for it either; Seungcheol has a great ass. It's an ass even Seokmin has admired.

Seokmin doesn't really have a lot of boxes, mostly because he lived with his parents after graduation. Of course, a long time ago, he would have moved out after graduation but things change. Almost pushing 30 however, living with his parents had started to feel stifling. It was also a painful reminder of how _ boring _ a life he has now that he isn't in school anymore.

Sure, he has a pretty stable job teaching music at one of the schools in the district but outside of that, Seokmin barely does anything else. There are biweekly dinners that Joshua and Seungcheol drag him out to, and blind dates that Jeonghan loves setting up but besides the time he dated Jung Jaehyun for about 8 months, he hasn't had anything permanent. And all around him, his friends were beginning to find their soulmates. He stops at the threshold of the house, setting down the box he’s carrying and absentmindedly rubbing his wrist.

With the help of professional movers and Soonyoung and Wonwoo, most of the furniture was already set up in his apartment, an eclectic mix of furnishings he’d picked out from various yard sales. Seungcheol lets out a low whistle when he sets his boxes down, Joshua right behind him.

"It's a nice place,” Seungcheol says offhandedly and Seokmin can’t help but feel a little bit of pride blossom in him.

It  _ is _ a nice place, comforting and big enough that Seokmin doesn’t feel lonely because of the excess space. Half an hour passes in pleasant silence, all the boxes from his car finally in the unit.

“This is so exhausting,” he moans, throwing himself dramatically onto the sofa.

Joshua chuckles, petting his head. “There, there, puppy.”

Seokmin sighs into the touch, sticking his tongue out at Seungcheol, watching them with a mix of fondness and exasperation.

“C’mon Seok, you’re never gonna get everything set up if you’re gonna stay on the sofa. Josh is gonna keep petting you, then you’re gonna fall asleep.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” he mumbles, eyes already fluttering shut. Joshua pulls away with a chuckle and Seokmin whines on principle, pouting.

“We need to put the boxes in their respective rooms before we can unpack them.”

Thankfully, Seokmin’s mom had helped him pack up most of his belongings. If it were up to him, he probably would have emptied everything into boxes, uncaring of where they should belong. Instead, he has neat labels on the side of the boxes, as well as a list of their contents taped to the top. It takes another half an hour for Seokmin and Joshua to move the boxes to their respective rooms as Seungcheol sets up his entertainment system, a gift from his parents.

“Where should I set up first?” Seokmin asks Joshua, leaning down to rest his head on Joshua’s shoulder.

Joshua hums. “Sheets for the bed, then the living room, then the kitchen. You’re probably gonna use all these spaces today. Oh, and bathroom too.”

“So, basically, the whole unit?” Seokmin deadpans.

Joshua grins sheepishly and Seokmin sighs. The first thing they do is put on sheets for Seokmin’s bed, with a little help from Google. They then move on to the bathroom, which doesn’t require much work, besides hanging up the shower curtains and arranging his toiletries. The kitchen and living room are the spaces that take up the most effort, despite the fact that Seokmin’s collection of knick knacks and kitchen utensils are abysmal at best. The end result is an apartment that  _ looks _ sparse, but to Seokmin, feels like home. He’s sure by the end of 6 months, there’ll be a lot more belongings in his space. He does, after all, have a Pinterest board full of home deco ideas and DIY projects.

Of course, Seungcheol has to break the lull.

"You want to call a plumber for that," Seungcheol jabs a finger back at the leaking tap and Seokmin sighs.

"I don't know where to find a plumber." He confesses.

Joshua chuckles, perched on the countertop, sipping on a glass of water. Seokmin should probably go grocery shopping later, considering the only food he’d brought from home were two packets of instant noodles. That wouldn’t even satisfy him for _ one _ meal.

Seungcheol’s fingers fly aggressively over the keyboard of his phone before Seokmin’s phone pings with a new message.

“That’s our plumber,” Seungcheol says.

“Wow. I can’t believe you really have a plumber’s number saved, that’s like, such an adult thing to do.” Seokmin  _ is _ stunned, really.

“Speaking of adult things,” Joshua says, hopping off the countertop and walking towards the fridge, digging in his pockets for something. He finally retrieves a piece of paper, using a magnet to stick it to the fridge. “These are all the important numbers you’ll need. Fire department, police department, Pizza Hut, me.”

Seokmin envelops Joshua in a hug. “Thank you for helping out, really.”

“It’s what friends are for.” Joshua grins and Seungcheol comes over to ruffle Seokmin’s hair despite him ducking away.

“Off with you two, go do your disgusting married stuff.”

They both grin at each other and the fondness is a bit gross, really. It makes Seokmin wish he was dating again, instead of living life as a bachelor. He texts the plumber, instead of calling him, because he still experiences phone anxiety from time to time. Especially when he’s not sure about the specifics of the problem. The fridge also looks miserable, and Seokmin definitely needs to go grocery shopping but there’s a bed with fresh sheets waiting for him.

And he’s never been good at saying no to a nap.

A few hours later, he’s rudely awoken by someone insistently ringing his doorbell, alternating between that and knocking on the door. He tries to blink the sleep away from his eyes, yawning a few times.  The knocking gets more insistent Seokmin runs from his room, trying to pull a shirt over his head. It’s probably the plumber.

"Coming," Seokmin calls out. He trips over a box in the hallway and swears, hopping on one foot to the door before throwing it open.

"Welcome -- Seokmin?"

Seokmin glances up, and feels his blood freeze in his veins. Standing in his doorway, a ghost of his past, is Kim Mingyu. He hates how his gaze immediately flickers to Mingyu's left wrist, where he's wearing a thick, fitted bracelet. It's the kind of bracelet made for those who don't want to reveal the name of their soulmate, or for those who haven't met theirs yet. Seokmin’s all too familiar with seeing those.

"Hi, Mingyu."

Mingyu's smiles and for a moment, Seokmin's taken aback by how everything and nothing about Mingyu has changed. Except things clearly have, there are lines where once there were none, and his hair, dyed a soft shade of caramel, is streaked with silver. He's also more tanned than Seokmin remembers, and his arms are definitely more buff. Nothing speaks of how much he's changed more than Mingyu's smile however: Seokmin used to know every smile Mingyu wore. This one is painfully unfamiliar.

"Can I come in?" Mingyu's smile has a hesitant edge. "I made mac and cheese for you."

Seokmin's stomach rumbles audibly and he smiles sheepishly. He steps aside to let Mingyu in, scratching his arm, a nervous tick. "I'm sorry for the mess, you probably realized I just moved in this morning."

"Yeah, I didn't know it was you so I thought I'd introduce myself-" Mingyu cuts himself off abruptly when he realizes what he's said, flushing in embarrassment. "I'm sorry."

Seokmin waves a hand casually. It's been almost ten years since the incident and while Seokmin can't say he's completely moved on from Mingyu, he's definitely made his peace. It was easier when Mingyu left their neighbourhood, because then, Seokmin stopped spending every summer break in fear of bumping into Mingyu. Life carries on, and you grow.

"It's okay, you know. It's been a while and all that."

He finds his bowls in the cupboard, setting the table.

"Do I need to uh, heat that up or something?"

Mingyu looks down at the dish in his hand before setting it on the table, smiling sheepishly. "Uh no, I just made it."

He spoons some of the pasta into Mingyu's bowl because he isn't  _ rude _ , no matter how hungry he is, and then some into his own bowl, immediately taking a mouthful and moaning at the taste.

“God this is so good!” he exclaims, taking another mouthful.

Mingyu grins bashfully and Seokmin remembers just how much he’s missed Mingyu’s cooking. It’s not exactly a thought that he wants to entertain. They exchange meaningless small talk, and catch up on their lives. Mingyu  _ did _ notice when Seokmin dropped off the face of earth, and Seokmin  _ would _ feel guilty but to a nineteen year old him, transferring out of college had seemed like the best option.

“I have a café now, its two blocks down, actually. We make bomb stuff. You should drop by sometime.”

There’s a strange cocktail of happiness and bitterness swirling inside Seokmin; happy that Mingyu has his life put together and bitter that their breakup didn’t affect him the way Seokmin was affected by it. He feels  _ small _ , put in his place by the vast, vast universe.

 

*

Seokmin wiggles his toes in frustration. He knows he's not the most proactive of people, and then he spends a fair amount of time choosing naps over doing anything else but this is  _ ridiculous _ . He's spent pretty much the whole of his Saturday doing everything  _ but _ work on his lesson plans, the cursor blinking almost ominously at him.

"Fuck," he swears out loud, standing up and slamming his laptop screen shut.

He swears again when he realizes that it was probably a bad decision to slam a laptop shut, especially when he can't really afford to get it replaced any time soon, should anything happen to it.

"I'm sorry baby," he whispers to his laptop, cradling it like a newborn.

Seokmin glances at his reflection in the mirror, noting his 5 o'clock shadow and how his hair looks like a bird has just nested in it. He's also in a holey sweater from his days in university, his sweatpants stained with what he's pretty sure is his curry noodles from lunch. All things considered, it’s like Seokmin’s regressed back to his first year university self.

Almost as if Joshua can sense Seokmin’s growing dilemma, his phone chimes with a text.

Joshua Hong:

Go out and breathe

It’s that, or the fact that Seokmin has always been easy to read as a person. Moving into a completely new area would mean Seokmin regresses into less than admirable habits, like isolating himself from the general public while only showing his face at his job. He's going to have to make friends with the nearest convenience store aunty soon enough, and he'll need to find a kind barbecue shop owner too, who won't look at him and insist that he needs to get married.

Seokmin sighs, staring at the name card on his fridge. It belongs to Mingyu; Seokmin was surprised when he typed the number into his phone to find that it was already saved, except with lesser heart emojis than he remembers. The address of Mingyu's cafe-slash-bakery is also on it and Seokmin knows it's about a five minute walk.

He picks up the first pair of jeans he finds on his floor; they're light wash and ripped and he can't think of when he could have possibly used it seeing as they're not work appropriate. After more digging in his cupboard, he pulls out on of his favourite knitted sweaters. He might as well visit the cafe, and hope that a change in surroundings will help inspire him.

The walk to the cafe is cold and he shivers, pulling his coat tighter around himself. Standing outside  _ Crumble _ , he hesitates before pushing the glass door open. Immediately, he's overwhelmed with the smell of freshly baked goods, made stronger by the underlying notes of coffee in the air. Seokmin's tummy rumbles and he shrugs his coat off, the cafe pleasantly warm. There's also the fact that everything about it screams Mingyu, from the warm wooden panelling to an entire wall decorated in Polaroids of customers, a cat running across the floor before jumping up onto the counter. It exudes the same kind of warmth some part of Seokmin intrinsically links with Mingyu.

At the counter is Mingyu himself, looking surprised to see Seokmin before a grin breaks out across his face. Seokmin smiles back, glancing at the menu behind Mingyu. There are far more choices than he's comfortable with; he's probably going to end up getting an Americano.

"Nice to see you out of your Batcave." Mingyu calls.

Seokmin flushes. "I'm pretty sure that's not's how you should be treating your customers."

"Ah, but you're not a regular customer, you see."

Seokmin blinks a few times, almost convinced that Mingyu's tone bordered on too flirty.

"What can I get you?" Mingyu asks, gentler this time around.

His eyes are still sparkling like he's out of a shoujo manga.

"I really don't know what's good," Seokmin confesses.

Mingyu hums. "Do you trust me?"

Seokmin has to bite back the impulsive response that he's  _ always _ trusted Mingyu, perhaps more than he should.

“Sure, give me your best.”

Mingyu nods seriously before nudging him in the direction of a window seat. Seokmin’s surprised that he remembers his preference for window seats, even after all this time. He takes a seat and sets his stuff up, pulling up the format for his lesson plans. Something about the café has him relaxed enough to start typing almost immediately, so focused on his work that he doesn’t realize when Mingyu drops by the table with food and drink in hand.

“How much is that?” Seokmin asks, patting his pockets in search of his wallet.

“For you, on the house. Really. For old times’ sake.”

Seokmin smiles sheepishly and Mingyu gives him one of his radiant grins, one that makes Seokmin’s heart flutter like a trapped bird. It's one of those things that Seokmin has to tuck away in his heart, burying it so deep it can't bubble up again. He's a changed man, with the same roots. There are 3 different pastries on the tray, as well as a mug of something with so much whipped cream on it, it threatens to fall off. He raises an eyebrow at Mingyu, who grins sheepishly, the points of his canines visible the way they always are when he's done something  _ particularly  _ foolish.

 

"That's a bit of an overkill, isn't it?"

 

"Ah yes, but you don't really drink coffee. You're usually drinking high concentrations of sugar, with the slightest ode to caffeine."

 

There Mingyu goes again, remembering things that he should have forgotten. Seokmin plays with the stirrer absentmindedly, stirring some of the whipped cream into the drink before offering Mingyu a hesitant smile. He takes a sip, and sighs appreciatively. It tastes like  _ summer _ , if summer could be turned into a caffeinated drink. There are flavour profiles that Mingyu trained him to recognize all those years ago, but can't find on the tip of his tongue.

 

"You should try the tart too," Mingyu urges. "I'm gonna go back to work, yeah?"

 

Seokmin nods, taking another sip of his drink. The tart  _ does _ look tempting, the glaze that was spread across the fruits catching the light of the cafe like the lighting was meant to compliment it. He immediately recognizes the custard filling in the tart when he tastes it, afterall, Mingyu had been making his tarts the same way ever since Seokmin expressed undying love for this particular custard. He can taste the vanilla as well as the subtler notes of cinnamon and cloves.

 

The human mind is amazing, because your brain remembers tastes and smells just as much as it remembers a sequence of images. And Seokmin can remember countless memories associated with the filling in particular, times where Mingyu would be right by his side. He wonders how Mingyu would react if Seokmin were to ask him out again.

 

And he leaves it at that. Wondering. It's clear that Mingyu has a good life here, and Seokmin would just be disrupting it. The food and caffeine, on the other hand, inspires him enough that he gets back to his lesson plan, referring to his Pinterest board of kid activities from time to time. After all, nothing made children happier than learning  _ without  _ learning, as Seokmin has come to find.

 

At some point, Mingyu joins him at the table for his break. He doesn't really say much, but Seokmin finds his presence distracting, fingers faltering over his keyboard several times. The bottom line is that it's far too comfortable, far too familiar tugging on all of Seokmin's heartstrings the wrong way.

 

Later that night, after he's emailed off his lesson plans and cleaned up a little, he comes to a realization that shakes him.

 

Even after 10 years, he's still in love for Kim Mingyu.

 

After all, he's been looking for the same comfort he draws from just being in Mingyu's presence with everyone else he's dated. Yuna. Sujeong. Jaehyun. And sure, there were times when they came close, but it never felt the same. It's that search for familiarity that's left a sort of void in Seokmin. A void that even now, he's looking to fill.

 

*

 

Seokmin would argue that he doesn't go out of his way to actively ignore Mingyu. He just doesn't go out of his way to  _ look _ for Mingyu either. It's not exactly easy because they have a shared history and Mingyu can still read him like they're two teenagers in high school instead of what they are, two tax paying adults. Instead, Mingyu worms his way into Seokmin's life slowly but surely, charging into it headfirst with the earnest determination that only Mingyu can muster, blind to anything else.

 

He  _ wants _ to complain, but he does so in his text messages to Joshua, who finds the whole situation amusing. Mingyu goes on, unaware as ever. They do their grocery shopping together now, on Monday mornings, because Crumble opens late on Mondays. Mingyu judges him for all the microwaveable meals he picks out, and Seokmin judges him because he buys kale. Mingyu, to no one's surprise, can actually cook kale and make it taste delicious.

 

Until it stops being  _ Seokmin and Mingyu go grocery shopping together _ , and starts turning into  _ what do we need to buy this week _ . With every return trip, Seokmin finds himself with less microwaveable meals. This comes with the clause of more Mingyu in his apartment, who digs through his refrigerator before cooking him actual, proper meals. He would complain, or ghost Mingyu, but as it turns out, actual cooked food is easier on his wallet than microwaveable meals. Also, his food has  _ flavour _ now.

 

One time, Joshua had visited with Seungcheol in tow, the both of them watching the way Mingyu made himself at home in his kitchen with poorly concealed amazement. In fact, Mingyu spends so much time in his kitchen plying Seokmin with food that he has a spare set of knives in Seokmin's drawers. I

 

The cooking, Seokmin can handle.

 

The company and the familiarity that comes with it, not so much.

 

They reconnect. It starts slow, but eventually, they fill in each other on the ten years that passed by. It's hard to not reconnect when someone is persistent the way Mingyu is, charging in with all his Aries persevarance. Sometimes, moving around Seokmin's tiny kitchen, they brush up against each other. Seokmin doesn't miss the way they both stiffen whenever that happens, but relax again when they don't call each other out on it.

 

It's like dancing the waltz except they have no fucking idea how to dance the waltz, and just keep stepping on each other's toes. Seokmin relearns the nuances of Mingyu's expressions, the timbre of his laughter, the inflections of his vowels. Sometimes he'll be focused on his work and Mingyu will be talking in the background but in his head, he can see the shift in expression playing out.

 

In Soonyoung's words, echoed by Wonwoo, Seokmin's fucked. Especially because the last time anyone did the waltz with him (Soonyoung, at their middle school prom), Soonyoung had to hold tears back because Seokmin repeatedly stepped on his toes.

 

His friends ask him, several times, to move out, if that's better for his general sanity. A month or so of living with Mingyu as his neighbour slash boyfriend without being his boyfriend, not really, has grown on him. That, and Seokmin has masochistic tendencies. 

 

*

 

He knows without checking that the knocks on his door is probably Mingyu -- Mingyu's the only one who drops by lately, Seungcheol and Joshua notwithstanding. Seokmin's not sure how he feels about that, but there's definitely some part of him that's thankful for the three of them occasionally visiting him. It's harder getting acquainted with the neighbourhood than he thought it would, and  _ teaching _ is more exhausting than he thought it would be.

Seokmin pulls the door open and sure enough, Mingyu's standing there, still in his work uniform. He has a little bit of flour smeared on his face, and Seokmin's not sure if reaching out to clean it will be appropriate.

"So I was wondering if you'd like to come with me to a friend's celebration tonight? It's his birthday tomorrow, and I know you haven't really left your apartment lately?"

Seokmin looks down at himself, Mingyu following his gaze. It's an oversized sweater and boxer shorts kind of day, which, all things considered, is pretty presentable for Seokmin. Besides, Mingyu has seen him at the peak of his sloppiness.

Seokmin shrugs, "Why not?"

“Are you sure though? It  _ is _ your birthday tomorrow too, and I’d understand if you wanted to spend time at home or something.” Mingyu’s biting his lip hesitantly and Seokmin thinks it’s cute.

“I’ll do nothing at home, Gyu. Really.”

Mingyu grins. "I'm going to go shower and I'll be over. He lives a few blocks away. You don't need to be too fancy for it, it’s very casual."

Mingyu darts forward as if he's going to peck Seokmin's cheek and Seokmin freezes up. Mingyu seems to catch himself in time, grinning sheepishly instead, rocking on the balls of his feet.

"I'm gonna go," he jerks a thumb back at his unit "Shower. Yeah."

Seokmin smiles and closes the door, gently, before letting out a breath he didn't realise he was holding. That was too close for comfort, mostly because Seokmin's been spending the past few weeks falling back into rituals that involved Mingyu. It's not an inherently bad thing because he's an  _ adult _ now and he can compartmentalize but sometimes they slip up and it throws him in for a loop.

He changes into something that’s more appropriate for visiting someone else and scrolls through his phone while waiting for Mingyu, composing a list of things he’ll have to do over the weekend. Seokmin’s thankful that it’s a Friday, and that means he gets to have his birthday off.

“You took forever,” Seokmin says when Mingyu knocks on his door again.

“You’d wait for me forever though.” Mingyu teases, before biting his lip and swearing under his breath.

Seokmin’s stunned into silence, the two of them fumbling awkwardly as they lock the door behind them. It feels a lot like the first time they got together, the first few months as they tried to adjust to being more than friends. There were bouts of clumsiness and too many premature confessions, the two of them wearing their hearts on their sleeve. Seokmin  _ misses _ that all too much; he’s dated around but no one has made him feel at home the way Mingyu did.

Despite Mingyu’s slip up, the walk to his friend’s complex is uneventful, conversation flowing between them. Seokmin whines about his coworkers and dotes on his kids and Mingyu shit talks demanding customers, ignoring Mingyu’s prior words. The whole time, Seokmin tries to ignore all the intrusive thoughts in his head that remind him of their own past, how they used to talk about groupmates they hated and demanding professors. How the initial dates felt like this, untimely confessions and casual conversations.

Seokmin’s falling in love. For the second time. The realization stuns him as much as it scares him.

“So uh, Hoseok and all can get a bit overwhelming at times.” Mingyu turns to Seokmin after ringing the bell on the unit. There’s shouting from inside and Seokmin’s already bracing himself for a rowdy night.

Seokmin nods. “I’ll just whip out my parent-teacher socialization skills.”

Mingyu shrugs. “If that helps, sure, I guess.”

Seokmin laughs, punching Mingyu’s shoulder lightly, the door in front of them finally swinging open before a familiar face peers out. Seokmin frowns, staring intensely at the boy with the bunny toothed smile before recognizing him.

“Jeon Jungkook?” Seokmin asks.

Jungkook’s grin widens and he tilts his head. “Lee Seokmin right? We used to-”

“Be in the same choir section.” Seokmin says, before punching Mingyu harder.

“You didn’t tell me it’s Jungkook’s birthday, I would’ve tried to put a gift together.”

Mingyu winces, opening his mouth to protest.

“It isn’t actually my birthday,” Jungkook says, gesturing for them to enter the apartment. “It’s Hoseok hyung’s birthday. Tomorrow.”

“My birthday is in September, and I do  _ love _ gaming, if you’re still interested in getting me that gift.” Jungkook continues.

“Oh, fuck off, Kook.” Mingyu rolls his eyes and Seokmin giggles at the exchange.

“Mingyu? Kim Mingyu is that you? My better son?” Someone calls out from the living room.

Mingyu sticks his tongue out at Jungkook before making his way to the hall. There are approximately 6 people settled on various surface in the living room, Seokmin freezing up and subtly shuffling behind Mingyu so he’s hidden from view when they all look up at him.

One of the men leaps up from the couch, engulfing Mingyu in a hug that he returns. His hair is a faded shade of auburn, with a heart shaped smile. His smile looks like it probably hurts and behind him, another man with turquoise smiles fondly.

“Not going to introduce us to your friend, Gyu?” The man clinging to his side asks.

“Hyungs, this is Seokmin.”

“Hey Seokmin,” 6 different people chorus back at him. He doesn’t miss the few raised eyebrows.

“Seokmin, this is Namjoon, Seokjin, Taehyung, Jimin, you know Jungkook, Yoongi, and our birthday boy, Hoseok.” Mingyu points them out to him, Hoseok seemingly suctioned to Mingyu’s side. Seokmin grins nervously, ducking his head in greeting.

“Hello,” he says softly. Mingyu prods him in his side and he flinches away, Hoseok giggling.

“You can be loud here, don’t worry,” Mingyu deadpans.

“Yeah!” Taehyung interjects.

“Please don’t terrify him,” Jimin sighs.

Jimin’s intimidatingly beautiful, like someone had taken extra time to put all the features that would intimidate a lesser person into silence. In a lot of ways, Jimin reminds Seokmin of Jeonghan, holding themselves with an air of self-assuredness that comes with practice. Or a lifetime of being told they’re beautiful.

“Wine?” Namjoon asks, holding out two already filled wine glasses. Seokmin takes one and Mingyu, the other, the two of them settling on the only empty couch left.

“Why are your friends all intimidatingly good looking?” Seokmin whispers.

“We just flock together.”

Seokmin snorts and hits Mingyu’s shoulder lightly, heart missing a beat when Mingyu turns back to look at him. His heart has been doing that a  _ lot _ lately, tripping up over Mingyu like he’s 18 all over again. The thing is, Seokmin recognizes the look Mingyu is giving him all too well; fondness and exasperation, coupled with amusement. And Mingyu is Mingyu, tactile as ever, all things that send Seokmin into this spiral of confusion.

Mingyu’s friends are funny, trying their best to make Seokmin feel like he’s part of the circle and he appreciates that. Taehyung or Hoseok are always eager to fill him in on the backstories of things, and Namjoon is equally as patient. He likes it, likes them, likes the easy way they settle together. Jungkook’s recounting a story about how he woke up one morning and found his refrigerator missing and Seokmin throws his head back in laughter, instinctively clutching onto Mingyu. Mingyu looks at him with something like awe and surprise and Seokmin blushes, releasing his grip on Mingyu's arm.

"I'm sorry," he mouths.

"It's okay," Mingyu says. The hand not holding his wine glass is absentmindedly drawing circles on Seokmin's knee. Seokmin doesn’t miss the way Jungkook’s attention is drawn to the movement, but he’s unbothered by it.

It feels weird to be sitting next to Mingyu and being surrounded by his friends, a glass of wine in his hand. It feels weird, but not a bad weird. It's definitely a departure from being holed together in a bathroom, making out desperately to the muffled music playing in the hall and knowing they're going to fall into an all too small bed later that night. It’s also a reminder of all the things that have changed and in a sudden burst of boldness, Seokmin takes a sip of his wine and then picks up Mingyu's hand, squeezing it gently.

After all this time, it's the same.

Seokmin doesn’t know why he expected the feeling of holding hands with Mingyu to change, not when holding his hand sends shivers down his spine and the weight of it feels the same. Mingyu simply looks down at where their hands are intertwined then at Seokmin, who smirks. Mingyu grins back, almost bashfully, ducking his head as Jungkook teases him about something. They spent most of the night besides dinner pressed shoulder to shoulder, the warmth of Mingyu’s thighs against his almost like a brand on Seokmin’s skin. They don’t really let go of their hands either, in fact, their fingers end up intertwined sometime before dinner.

He can’t really believe it, but it’s nice to stop thinking about their past and live in this moment, like Hoseok’s apartment is the gateway to a world where things are better. And it is, in a way. The way they joke around each other despite just meeting each other, the fondness in Hoseok’s eyes as he looks at Yoongi, the noisy bickering that Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook get into, the way the food settles in their tummy. It lulls Seokmin into a state of comfort and complacency he hasn’t felt since his last relationship, with Yuna.

Some time after dinner, Seokmin and Mingyu migrate to the balcony. Hoseok has a great view, the city sprawled out in front of him and the lights twinkling away. He says as much to Mingyu, who smiles, sipping on his wine. It’s pleasant, even though the chill in the air borders on too much, even though there’s a cacophony of voices in Seokmin’s head insisting he makes Bad Decisions. Bad decisions that involve resting his head on Mingyu’s shoulder, holding his hand,  _ kissing him _ . Bad decisions that would drag Seokmin ten years back, he wants it just as much as he’s terrified of it.

"Happy birthday," Mingyu says softly.

“There’s still 3 hours left, fool.”

Seokmin doesn't realize how close they are until he turns his head; he's close enough to see the wrinkles at the corners of Mingyu's eyes, a single strand of grey hair silver in the light. He sucks in a deep breath, glancing at Mingyu's lips, parted and soft and as inviting as they had been ten years ago. It’s hard to ignore the voices urging him to make bad decisions and for the first time in  a long time, he stops  _ thinking _ .

He leans forward, hesitant to close the space between them. Mingyu seems frozen and Seokmin smiles nervously, finally kissing Mingyu gently. The younger is frozen at first before he relaxes, grabbing Seokmin's waist and pulling him so they're chest to chest. Mingyu's kisses back, and Seokmin sighs into the kiss.

It feels like coming home, if home were named Kim Mingyu.

Mingyu's panting when they finally pull apart, only because breathing is a normal human function and Hoseok is wolf whistling from inside, despite Yoongi repeatedly hitting him. Mingyu has a smile that's radiant enough to rival the sun and it makes Seokmin smile just as wide, shuffling even closer so he can rest his head on Mingyu's chest.

If he concentrates hard enough, he can hear the wild thumping of Mingyu's heartbeat.

"Do you want to, uh," Mingyu's stammers, cheeks flushed. Seokmin's not sure if they're red from the cold or because Mingyu's actually blushing. "Go back home."

Seokmin grins up at Mingyu and while part of his brain is screaming at him for being stupid, a bigger,  _ louder _ part is overjoyed that he's going home with Mingyu.

"Yeah," Seokmin leans up to peck Mingyu. "Yeah, I'd like that."

The younger grins and ducks back in, Seokmin close behind.

"Hyung, we're going to make a move now."

Hoseok's smirking and while Yoongi's expression is more composed, he's undeniably smirking behind the rim of his mug. His smug expression makes Seokmin blush and he wants to plaster himself against Mingyu's back so he can avoid Yoongi's gaze. Sprawled on the floor, Jungkook is grinning, winking at Seokmin when he catches his gaze.

Seokmin’s surprised when Hoseok pulls him into a hug, wishing him a happy birthday.

“It was nice meeting you Seokmin-ah, drop by whenever you’d like, alright?”

Seokmin looks beseechingly at Yoongi who only smiles before wishing him happy birthday as well. Mingyu, for some reason, has a smile that’s all too reminiscent of a proud father as he watches their interactions. The walk back to their complex is tense, punctuated by either Seokmin or Mingyu pulling each other off the main road, ducking into alleys to exchange quick kisses. What was a 15 minute walk there doubles on their way back and Seokmin can’t help the way he giggles when they’re finally outside Mingyu’s unit, fumbling with the keys.

They finally get the door unlocked before Mingyu is backing Seokmin up against the door, kisses now bordering on desperate, his grip on Seokmin’s waist unmistakably tight. They pull away to shrug their jackets off before shuffling backwards to Mingyu’s room. Their journey is marked by the unmistakable thud of things falling down but they’re both too occupied to care, hands feverishly peeling shirts off.

*

"You never told me what happened to your soulmate," Seokmin asks.

It's probably bad to bring this up when they're both naked under Mingyu's covers but it also feels like the safest space to bring it up in.

Mingyu shrugs. "I kind of found them but lost them and then life caught up. I just figured life would bring me to them, you know."

"We probably shouldn't be doing this, huh?" Seokmin mumbles.

Mingyu brings Seokmin's hand to his mouth, kisses his palm gently. "I'll do anything with you. Always will, Seok. Soulmate or not." There’s a painful edge of honesty in Mingyu’s voice.

His hand is still in Mingyu’s grip and he rests his fingers on the contours of Mingyu’s cheek. It's only then that Seokmin notices something on his wrist that looks like a dark mark, written in familiar characters.

"Mingyu, I think I have my soulmate mark," Seokmin whispers. It’s like the Fates have a cruel way of playing with Seokmin; this is the  _ worst _ timing.

They both sit up, the covers falling off. On Seokmin's wrist are the very familiar characters of Mingyu's name, written in Mingyu's once familiar handwriting. When Seokmin looks at him, his grin is blinding and he's struggling to undo the clasp on his bracelet. On Mingyu's wrist, in Seokmin's handwriting, is his name.

"This is why you wanted to talk to me on your birthday all those years ago." Seokmin mumbles in shock.

"Yeah,"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Mingyu lifts a shoulder, biting his lip hesitantly. "You didn’t let me, and besides, I was afraid you hated me. If we were meant to be, life would have brought you back to me. And it has. And I love you. I've always loved you."

Seokmin sighs, leaning forward so their foreheads touch. Mingyu sighs shakily and they're so close he can see acne scars old and new, the mole on the left side of his face, knows there's one on his neck too. There's something symbolic about the way old and new are converging in this room, and something promising about the fact that his soulmate mark appeared now.

"Happy birthday to me," he says, kissing Mingyu again.

They fall back into bed, Seokmin wrapped around Mingyu, soft in all the places Mingyu is hard, the way they always have. His heart is racing in his chest and there’s a world of infinite possibilities stretching out in front of them, even if Seokmin’s very afraid of all of them.

“I love you too.” Seokmin whispers, fumbling in the dark to kiss Mingyu.

He misses and Mingyu laughs, a sound that makes his toes curl in pleasure. The evening preceding Lee Seokmin’s thirtieth birthday isn’t really what he expected; he made new friends and falls into bed with an old lover. He does, however, have a soulmate and for the first time since he turned 13, Seokmin _ finally  _ feels at peace with himself. And it’s not because he has a name on his wrist, no. It’s because it’s Mingyu. Always has been Mingyu. 

It’s something he can get used to.

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed this, please leave a kudos or a comment! it's usually what keeps me going! I can also be found @gyuseokhao (currently on hiatus bcus school but. ye).


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